Yes, I Am!
by Hitmewiththestreetlights
Summary: A glance into the life/mind of super gay FBI Special Agent Janis Hawk. Written from Livejournal's Help Haiti community!


Title: Yes, I am!

Author: Wecanfreakout

Fandom: Flashforward

Pairing(s): Janis/OFC(s), Janis/Maya

Rating: PG

Word Count: 4,680

Disclaimer: I don't own Flashforward, its characters or any likeliness to its characters. Flashforward is the work of Robert J. Sawyer, Brannon Braga, David S. Goyer, and ABC studios.

Summary/AN: A glance into the life/mind of super gay FBI Special Agent Janis for Livejournal's help_Haiti. Un beta'd because I don't have a beta, thus all glaring mistakes are mine, all mine!

***

When Janis finally pins a name to this gnawing feeling of dissemblance,—a queasy emotion she's been feeling for a while now—she's sixteen, a junior in high school, and dating a guy who she's pretty sure has yet to come to his own grand gay epiphany.

It's not a melodramatic realization—in fact; it's not even an epiphany, not by the definition's standards anyway. It's more along the lines of a slow-creeping awareness that clings and prods until she just can't ignore it anymore. There are no blinding rainbow-colored lights or abrupt eruptions of K.D. Lang that signify that _YES, _Janis Hawk is indeed GAY! She doesn't suddenly want to trade in the baby blue convertible her parents gave her for her Sweet 16 for a Subaru or anything like that; she doesn't suddenly hate men,—some of her best friends are guys and she loves them unconditionally— or have the urge to sleep with every woman she sees. She's just Janis; the same Janis she's pretty sure she has always been except now those nagging adorations (of her third grade English teacher, of her childhood and present best friend, of Teri Hatcher and Famke Janssen (because she's a _James Bond_ nerd and never really understood how _anyone _could pay attention to Pierce Brosnan when he was acting alongside ladies like that), and most recently of her Calculus teacher) all of a sudden make so much sense. Well, that, and now there's this sort of metaphorical closet and it's not one that Janis is just dying to fling herself out of.

Sure, she's not really religious (she believes in something although she's not exactly sure it's that traditional something) and lives in California (Sacramento to be exact) with fairly liberal parents, but she's also smart (pushing a perfect 4.0 GPA) with hopes and dreams that soar well beyond the average sixteen year old and she acknowledges that America is _still_ warming up to the idea of a strong, level-headed working woman let alone a strong, level-headed working woman who likes women; she acknowledges that there are people out there willing to judge her based solely on something as trivial as whom she's attracted to; she acknowledges that there are people out there that will hate her for something she feels she has no control over. And so, there's a metaphorical closet, and it's not like Janis is planning to lock herself in it for life or anything (in fact, there are people in her life (her parents for instance) who she really couldn't imagine keeping a secret like this from), but it's not like she has to jump out of this figurative closet with rainbow flags and Birkenstocks either.

***

"Ryan?"

If there's anything that affirms to Janis that she is in fact gay, it's probably Ryan. He's sweet, with handsome features and a bright future ahead of him in child development and psychology and it takes Janis two years of dating him to realize that she's honestly just not attracted to him… Well, that, and she still strands by the _he has yet to have a gay epiphany of his own_ theory as well.

"Ryan?" she tries again, watching as he strikes through another answer in his SAT prep book, frowns, and attempts to erase without causing any more damage to the delicate paper.

When he finally looks up at her, he puts his pencil down first—so she knows she has his full attention—and smiles—a genuine smile with absolutely no hint of annoyance even though she's disrupting his preparation for what, as he's said so many times before, could be the single most important moment in his high school career and there's a moment when she thinks that maybe she (_they_) could make it work; that maybe if she works (_they work_) at it hard enough, then this love she feels for him—because she honestly does love him—could bloom into something more, but then he leans forward, kisses her on the forehead and as much as she'd like to think that the flutter she feels in her chest is something new, is a sign that she can go ahead and have a _normal_ life with a great guy, she knows that it's no different from what she feels when her dad hugs her.

"There's something I have to tell you," _Communication is irreversible_; Janis remembers reading that in an old debate text book in junior high, and as true as she thinks it is, _nothing_ she has ever had to say, ever wanted to say, feels as irreversible as this. It's not like if—_when_—she says it aloud, it'll become anymore tangible than what it is now. It's an idea, an emotion, a feeling that she really can't describe, except that she knows it's there and she can't get rid of it,—really wouldn't want to if she could—and somehow saying it—even if it's to the kindest, most understanding guy she knows—makes it real and it being real makes her more nervous than she cares to admit.

"Are you ok, Jan?" He's looking at her oddly, like maybe he can see sudden dryness of her throat and the blood pounding against the vein in her temple, like maybe he can see right through her, like maybe he wants to see right through her.

"Yeah, I'm-," she pauses for a second, mauls the words over in her head before she speaks again. "I _think_…" She doesn't think, she _knows_, "that maybe [_MAYBE?_]I like girls,"

There's a long break of deafening silence before Janis feels long arms wrap around her in, what takes her laden brain a few long seconds to realize, is a hug. A huge, friendly hug that makes her feel almost relieved that it took her sixteen—almost seventeen—years and a boyfriend, who was maybe too many levels of perfect, to realize that she's gay.

***

Janis is almost—and by almost, she means at least 99.9998%— sure that if she can pinpoint a single moment in her childhood when she suddenly started to realize that she was _different_ then it had to do with Emma.

They've been friends—she and Emma—for as long as Janis can remember. There are pictures of them together, in diapers, in the sandbox, on their first day of school, in junior high school (with Janis and her trophy from winning her first Taekwondo tournament and Emma and her medal from winning her first cheerleading competition), in high school (with Janis and her first scholarship check for her dissertation on network neutrality and Emma and her bunch of roses from starring in her first play) on just about every mantle, shelf and wall in Janis' house. So really, it's no surprise that they're here now, with Emma in Janis' bedroom, two hours before graduation, twirling in front of her mirror in her black graduation gown, rattling off the list of things she's going to do the moment she steps foot in Miami, before she has to see her agent, that is.

Of course, Janis is happy for her, ecstatic even. Emma has wanted to be a model since she was like six—and therein probably lies the moment Janis can pinpoint feeling different—because Janis has always thought that Emma _should_ be a model, not simply because it's what she wanted to do, but because she was beautiful, grew up to be even more so, and somehow, she always felt that thinking that was wrong.

It only got worse when she got older though, because Emma really did only get more beautiful and popular and it was almost too clear to Janis that she didn't want to be her (because apparently, that's eerily _normal_ for teenage girls to feel like that) but she was contented with just adoring her. She had tried everything to distance herself from the emotion, even tried distancing herself from Emma, which shouldn't have been hard since their cliques seemed to distance them anyway, but Emma was always resilient, always adamant in keeping Janis as a friend and Janis supposes that she's glad for that now because Emma really is the best friend she's ever had.

"Janey?"

Janis looks up to see that Emma has stopped her twirling and is now looking at her worriedly, probably having called her numerous of times.

"Yea?"

"Where is your head at Jan? You've been off lately,"

Janis is about to lie to her, to tell her that it's nothing, that she's just excited for graduation or something, but Emma is looking at her so earnestly, that Janis just can't bring herself to say it which only seems to spark more worry until Janis manages to stutter through a "Well…you see, Em, I, it's… I... I'm, what I mean to say is, I'm… gay?" and then Janis is the one who's is worrying because Emma is looking at her like she's grown another head or something and Janis just wishes she'd be her usual talkative self and say something, anything… and then she does.

"Well, who is she? "

"What?" Janis asks, completely unprepared for that question. She was expecting Emma to go running from the room a little more than she was expecting to be bombarded with questions. Ryan hadn't even asked one question, he simply took it for what it was.

"Your girlfriend, silly!" Emma clarifies. "It's that girl on the soccer team, isn't it? The goalkeeper? She's gay, I think. Isn't she? What does your gay-dar say? Do you have a gay-dar? Who else at our school is gay?"

And by the time the questions stop, Janis' head is spinning, because gay-dar? Really? She's pretty sure she doesn't have one… and girl from the soccer team? She doesn't even speak with any of the girls on the soccer team to even know to which one Emma is referring.

"There's no one," she eventually answers. "No girlfriend," she clarifies.

"Oh…" Emma sounds almost disappointed. "You will tell me though, right?"

"Hmm?"

"When there is a she?" Emma asks. Her voice is so hopeful, so enthused that Janis really can't help but nod and promise that if she ever gets a girlfriend, Emma will definitely be the first to know, even if only to keep that bright smile on her face. And the there are arms around her neck, but she's quicker this time though, to realize that the arms wrapping around her is akin to a hug and the flutter she feels when Emma giggles and presses a kiss to her cheek is definitely not the same flutter she feels when she hugs her dad. She can't help but wonder though, when Emma pulls her into an even tighter hug that is this what being gay gets her? Hugs?

***

Janis trails her fingertips along the gold lettering of the envelope in her lap and takes a deep, calming breath. Her bedroom looks—_feels_— empty now that the last of her things are packed. She has a mantra running on loop in her mind, reminding her that _this_ is what she wants, that Stanford University has been her dream for as long as she can remember.

One more two hour drive, one last suitcase and it will be a reality; it will be her home for the next four years of her life.

Janis doesn't even have to look up to know that her dad—all burly 6 feet 2 inches of him—is leaning heavily—all menacing like the cop he is—against her doorway looking at her like she's just kicked a puppy.

She sighs.

"It's only two hours away dad," she says, almost whines, (because he can't keep looking at her like that, it's just not fair) looking up at him through her eyelashes as he heaves her suitcase onto his shoulder.

"I know…" It's his turn to sigh now, because she's an only child and she supposes eighteen rolled around sooner than her parents expected.

"You know, Computer Science is becoming a popular field dad." She says, getting into the driver's seat as he loads her suitcase into her trunk. "You never know… Maybe, I'll get a job as a computer engineer or something and settle down…" she heaves a quick breath (because she's not sure why she feels the need to say this _now_) and continues, "_withanicegirl_..." the words come out jumbled, mixed in with a huff of air, but her dad hears them loud and clear; she can tell because she sees him tense._ "…_and a dog, and an apartment in LA…" she continues, even though her mind tells her to stop, to shut up, zip her lips and not say anything ever again.

She lets out a breath she wasn't aware she was holding when her dad leans against the passenger side of her car. Her hands are shaking against the wheel and she's pretty sure there's nothing she can do to get them to stop.

This is it, she tells herself, because after all the years she's spent trying NOT to disappoint her dad, she's gone and done it now, within a matter of seconds too.

She's expecting the worst, expecting him to tell her just not to come back, but she catches sight of a smile, a smile that makes his nose crinkle—her mom always says she got that from him— and then he's chuckling a bit, not an uncomfortable chuckle like she'd expect but a genuinely amused chuckle, and before she can ask him what's so funny, he's shaking his head and telling her:

"You know this doesn't change a thing. The first thing I'm gonna do is show her the shot gun,"

And Janis doesn't even get a chance to respond before his heavy hand is coming down gently against the side of her car door—making sure it's shut—and he's telling her to "Get going now kiddo, before it gets dark!"

Of all the years Janis has dreamed of leaving home, she has never wanted to spend four more years at home more than does in this moment.

***

There are a couple of things that Janis sets aside _NOT_ to do during her time in college. The first is minor in something completely unrelated to her major. She breaks that pact _twice_ by her sophomore year at Stanford, smiling triumphantly when she clicks her right mouse button, effectively declaring a double minor in both Feminist Studies and Symbolic Systems, because, honestly, she really just couldn't help herself. Besides, college is supposed to be fun, isn't it?

The second—because high school made itself known for petty (okay, so they were kind of huge at the time) crushes on her teachers—is that she absolutely won't fall for any of her professors. That's why—as a junior— even as she's skimming over her _Algorithms for Massive Data Set Analysis _text book, and Allison's idly brushing her fingertips across the skin where her shirt has ridden up just a tiny bit, Janis keeps telling herself that Allison is not a professor; she's just a teacher's assistant,—only 5 years older than Janis— who just so happened to have been the assistant to Janis' freshman Sexuality and Globalization professor. And, since they didn't start dating until Janis' sophomore year, and Allison doesn't even touch, let alone grade, any of Janis' papers, no harm, no foul, right?

When Janis feels the lulling patterns—not really helpful to her studying, but nice nonetheless—cease, she's pretty sure that Allison has fallen asleep, but when she peeks past her text book, it's to find hazel eyes staring up at her.

"What?" she asks, playfully conveying annoyance although her lips are curled into a smile so wide, she's sure her face should hurt.

Allison shrugs, her teeth sinking into her bottom lip to bite back a smirk, and even something as trivial as that makes Janis want to lean down and kiss her; so she does.

It's just a peck on the lips, but it means the world to Janis because she does it because she wants to, not just because she can—although it's really great knowing that she can—and definitely not because she feels like she has to, but because she honestly wants to, and she's pretty sure that that flutter, the one that seems to skip from her chest to the pits of her stomach, is the flutter that she's supposed to feel.

When they break apart, Allison is grinning and Janis can't help but roll her eyes.

"Seriously, what?" she asks, flopping back down on the bed overdramatically—because she knows her studying is pretty much over now.

"It's just… Well…" Allison leans over her nightstand and quickly grabs something out of the draw so quickly that it's all just a blur of lanky limbs. "I got you something," Allison says brightly, once she settles back on the bed.

"Really?"

"Mmmhmm," Allison takes Janis' left hand and for a quick second Janis panics until she feels a small ring—it's silver with small stones circling the center— being slipped onto her thumb, and then, well she's just confused.

"In Slavic countries," Allison explains, "A long time ago, even before the Cold War, since homosexuality was considered a crime and all, lesbians used to wear rings on their left thumbs to signify that they were gay and since well _virtually no one_ knows that , you can be, you know, subtlety gay, "

Janis smiles, a genuinely grateful smile, because if there's one thing that Allison just doesn't understand about Janis, it's her reluctance (and Janis really doesn't like that word, because she's just not _reluctant_) to come out and this ring is almost a token of understanding.

"Thank you," she beams and as she swoops in and presses another chaste kiss on Allison's lips, she vows to cherish that ring, no matter what.

***

"Another!"

Janis rolls her eyes as Demetri signals for another shot, but she downs the rest of hers nonetheless, and signals for another as well.

Quantico, Virginia! It's probably the last place Janis envisions herself once she graduates from Stanford. In fact, law enforcement is probably one of the last fields she sees herself in once she graduates from Stanford, but her dad has been in law enforcement for years and because of that, she knows the legal system, and because her dad was always a bit of a nut about her being able to protect herself, she knows her guns too.

Ultimately, it wasn't her history with law enforcement that brought her to FBI training though; it was Dr. Williamsburg, her favorite Stanford professor—she's pretty sure she was his favorite student too, but that's something to be kept under the table—who had just the right military pull to get Janis right into FBI training almost two months out of graduation and a full two years too young to meet the GBI's twenty-three years of age limit.

And that's how she finds herself here in Quantico, VA, four months into FBI training (the first three months were just new agent training, but now they're getting into Intelligence training, now they're getting into Janis' forte), girlfriendless (because there's another thing Allison just doesn't understand about Janis and that's her unabashed willingness to work for a federal government that has done "nothing but push their conformist, chauvinistic, patriarchal agenda for centuries" as she had eloquently put it) and half-past tipsy with a practically drunk soon-to-be agent Demetri Noh (because, well, he's Asian and she's a woman and there are so few of their kind here that it's almost natural that they became friends).

"So…" Janis draws out the word, playfully bumping Demetri's shoulder as the bartender places two more drinks in front of them, "Zoey?" she prompts, because he's yet to speak about their recent date and after almost a month of Dem's nonstop talking about her, Janis feels like she's almost invested in them being together.

Demetri grins, almost topples off of his bar stool, but he's grinning nonetheless and Janis doesn't even have to heart to make fun of him because she can tell that he really loves this girl.

"I think she may be the one,"

"Yeah?"

"I mean, I've always been kind of skeptical about this true love thing, but there are some things you just feel, you know?"

She nods, because she definitely knows that feeling.

"So…" Demetri says after a few minutes of silences. He nudges her shoulder the way she nudged his. "What about you? Has no one wooed the great Ms. Hawk?"

Janis thinks about Ryan and Allison, and even Emma and those are all incredibly long stories so she just shakes her head and down her shot—her last for the night because she actually wants to get up in the morning, but Demetri is looking at her, all disappointed like, because it's been months and she knows everything she needs to know (sometimes more than she needs to know) about him but she still seems to skillfully avoid anything that isn't standard, where she's from and why she's here type material.

She sighs. She figures she may as well. He's drunk; she's on her way there, and there's a good chance he won't remember this conversation in the morning anyway.

"But I'm pretty sure when _Mrs. Right_ comes along, I'll know…" She adds and Demetri doesn't take any grand offense to having not being told earlier, and he doesn't bombard her with questions; he just smiles, like he's happy that she's divulged something and by the time morning—or acceptable hours of the morning—rolls in, just as Janis had suspected, he really doesn't remember a thing.

***

It's almost comedic how Emma finds a moment in every phone call to berate Janis for not having a working gay-dar. So, maybe she doesn't have an impeccable gay-dar but she does have statistics and as statistics would have it, in an advanced Taekwondo class in the middle of Los Angeles with twenty students, twelve of which are women, it's statistically unlikely for Janis to be the only lesbian.

Still, when Maya—who is both gorgeous and funny and totally not skeptical of the federal government— asks her if she maybe wants to get some dinner sometime, _together_; just to be sure—because Janis likes to be sure—Janis stutters through a clarification as to if it's really a _date_, as in a social engagement that denotes romantic interest and Maya laughs and nods, and then they're making arrangements for the first date Janis has been on in at least year.

***

It's Bryce who practically shoves a phone in Janis' hands, and orders her—nicely, because Bryce is just a good guy— to call Maya. Janis supposes that it's her fault though since she made the mistake of telling him _everything _and he's so happy-go-lucky about these Flashforwards that even 5 failed attempts at this insemination thing hasn't convinced him that maybe the Flashforwards aren't really all they're cracked up to be.

"Do the math Janis," He keeps saying, "You're not supposed to get pregnant for at least one more month anyway [that number keeps waning], so just keep trying," And she does, keep trying, but she keeps putting off that other thing he's nagging her to do—call Maya—, because she's pretty sure she's already messed things up with Maya, and she's pretty sure Maya is probably engaged by now and happy, and whenever she brings that up to Bryce, he just shakes his head and reminds her that Maya came to see her at the hospital (of course they couldn't let her in because Janis' room was strict FBI badge only policy) and that means she cares and apparently "people just don't suddenly stop caring, Janis."

Eventually she does call Maya—mainly because she thinks Maya won't answer and maybe that will get Bryce to shut up—and Maya's not engaged (although she did buy herself a ring for the heck of it—and Janis doesn't find that crazy) and Janis is three weeks pregnant—and Maya doesn't find _that_ crazy—,so it's surprisingly easy to just "start over" and surprisingly even easier to pretend like it —the pregnancy—is a journey they've partaken on _together_ from the beginning.

Maya is there when Chloe—they decide on the name together—is born, and Janis is there when Maya opens her own restaurant.

When Chloe is almost two, Janis replaces Maya's ring—the one she bought for herself— with an engagement ring, and a week later, when Maya slips an engagement ring—now, it's official— slyly on Janis' finger, Janis finally retires that thumb ring. She figures that it's pretty difficult bring engaged to a woman and being _subtly_ gay at the same time anyway.

***

Janis figures that coming out at work has to happen at some point.

She's already three months into her engagement when she _doesn't_ conspicuously forget to put on her engagement ring before she leaves for work in the morning.

If Maya notices it, she doesn't mention it, and thankfully so because honestly, Janis has no other reason for putting it on today as opposed to yesterday, or the week before, or even a month ago, except that today, she just feels _ready_.

They've been through hell together. Terrorist apprehensions, high end drug busts, the Mosaic case that very well almost ended the world as they knew it… and Janis is pretty sure that her being gay is probably the least of the LA's FBI Field Office's problems, so when Demetri—of course he'd be the first to see it—almost pulls a pen out of her hand, whistling as he inspects the ring on her finger, she just smiles and subtly nudges him in the ribs. And when Mark takes interest, casually remarking that, "somebody must really love you, Janis," because, well, quite frankly, Maya goes big or goes home, Janis just nods and nonchalantly responds:

"Yea, she does,"

She catches the hint of surprise on Wedeck's face and the smile on Demetri's—like he's happy she's finally divulged something—and even the smirk on Mark's lips—because she's sure he figured it out already that one time they went to Germany—but she just rolls her eyes and playfully says, "now that you've intruded in my personal life, can we, you know, get back to work, _please_?"

And they do, get back to work, that is, but before Demetri insists that they have a "bring your spouse and kids to work day," because Zoey is six months pregnant anyway, and they've yet to meet Wedeck's adopted son, and they haven't seen Charlie since Mark's divorce so they may as well do a BBQ or something.

Wedeck doesn't completely shoot down the idea, and surprisingly neither does Mark, so Janis just shrugs and nonchalantly—although this is a huge step, and she's pretty excited— says, "sure, why not?"

She's not quite sure why it took her so long to come out at work.

***

"You know, I think you're taking this coming out thing a little too far babe,"

"I just want to make sure she knows…" Janis says defensively.

Maya laughs—truly amused laughter.

"Janis… She's _twelve_!" It seems she has to remind Janis that more and more these days. "I'm pretty sure if she hasn't realized that she has two mommies by now, then we have more pressing issues..." she jokes but Janis just sighs so Maya gives in and when Chloe comes home from school later that day, Janis gives her "the talk."

Once they've assured her that this completely random affirmation that yes, they are indeed together, doesn't mean they're actually splitting up, Chloe just smirks—she may be Janis' biological daughter, but she certainly has Maya's dry humor—looks Janis in the eyes—because she knows this talk had to be Janis' idea— and jokingly says, "Mom, you're like really, _really _gay,"

And Janis just agrees. She's super gay.

The End


End file.
